Våkner med et rykk, pulsen slår hardt og litt for fort under huden
Angsten slår inn, den rører i hele nervesystemet – sitter i magen. En klump som river og røsker i alt av dårlige følelser. Ingenting skjedde? Jeg var jo bare her, på rommet? Barna så ingenting? Eller? Vil bare lukke øynene, bare litt til. Sove. Bort fra alt. Stillhet. Innvendig stillhet og ro? – nei, umulig.
Må på do, men innom klesskapet først. Det suser i ørene da jeg sjangler fra sengen. Skjelvende fyller jeg opp glasset med rose’. Trenger å få bort skjelvingen så drikker opp glasset. Må kaste opp – lydløst i do. Ferdig på badet og prøver et glass til. Det sitter, så et til. Vinen renner nedover halsen. Treffer magen og det svir. Det er godt. Det svir i den tomme magen, men det er allikevel en deilig følelse. Sånn – da kan jeg legge meg igjen. Litt roligere lukker jeg øynene mens jeg fortsatt kjenner pulsen slår fort og hardt.
Jeg har en annen morgen nå og jeg vil ikke for alt i verden tilbake. Ingen vil ha dette. Ingen. Allikevel dras vi mot alkoholen og rusen. Savner det. Øyeblikkene. Flukten. Følelsen det gir. Get waisted. Blir aldri frisk. Så vi jobber – en dag om gangen. Legger vi oss edru så våkner vi edru. Forsetter jobben – 24/7. Det er så verdt det. Livet er fullt av humper i veien men allikevel så mye bedre enn før. Det blir lettere å håndtere hverdagen ettersom dagene går, 24 timer om gangen. Et svaralternativ i «vil du bli millionær» er «ring en venn» – noe som har en annen betydning for oss. Gjør du det? Hvis det trengs – ringer en likesinned? Det bør du. Gjennom fellesskap, gjenkjennelse og godhet holder vi hverandre edru. Takk B&B! Takk for friheten! Keep it simple☝️
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