Å være meg, bare meg


Jeg trenger å være bare meg av og til. Å være to, et kjærestepar, samboende er helt fantastisk. Jeg føler takknemlighet hver dag for dette. Det å ha noen å ligge inntil, noen å være glad i og som også er glad i meg, det føles trygt og godt. Følelsen gjør meg ydmyk. Jeg har mange rundt meg, venner, bekjente, familie. Et godt nettverk, har jeg. Passe, sånn jeg vil ha det.
Men jeg trenger å være bare Nina også. Gjennom pandemien er det fort gjort å glemme dette. Da kommer frustrasjonen og sinnet. Igjen! Det går utover de rundt. Og meg selv. Jeg trekker meg inn i meg selv. Issolerer meg. Går inn i mørket igjen. Holder på å sprekke av uro kjennes det som. Jeg vil ikke ha det sånn, det er frustrerende. Jeg trenger alenetid. Kunne kjenne at jeg er Nina, et eget selvstendig menneske med egne valg og meninger. Kunne gjøre som jeg vil, Uavhengig av virus, vaksiner, restriksjoner og advarsler. Jeg må ut, alene. Kunne sitte på en kafe, med en kaffe og gjøre ingenting. Se utover Glomma og la tankene fly. Jeg trenger det. Uten å ha dårlig samvittighet.
Jeg vil sitte der og tenke over hvem jeg er igjen. Hva jeg liker og ikke liker. Hva jeg har lyst til og ikke lyst til. Kjenne at jeg har et valg. Jeg må ingenting og jeg kan gjøre nesten alt jeg vil. Nesten alt. Uten dårlig samvittighet. Med musikk på øret. Min musikk, mitt valg. Mine drømmer som finnes der inne. De kan bli virkelige, det vet jeg. Jeg pleier å få det til, jeg vet det. Så jeg vil drømme, drømme meg langt bort. Bare for en liten stund, min stund.

Nina Lea

Nina, 50 år fra Kongsvinger. En helt vanlig mamma med to barn - Elise 27 og Fredrik 24. Samboer med Peder. Jeg var leder mesteparten av min yrkeskarriere. Hadde et godt liv med de normale utfordringene hvor livet skjer på livets premisser. Alkohol startet med kos og moro i ungdommen - ingenting unormalt. Helt til det kom smygende med økende inntak ettersom pausene det ga meg føltes nødvendig. Jeg tok ikke signalene på alvor. Skjøv det foran meg. Dagen kom da jeg satt i sengen med glasset i hånda, kartongen i skittentøysdunken - jeg hadde dratt det for langt - jeg var blitt alkoholiker. Etter avrusning med påfølgende opphold på klinikk og god lærdom fra likemenn. er jeg nå en god porsjon rikere. Både på livserfaring og i forhold til mine drikkevaner - og jeg brenner for å dele min kunnskap.

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